My Inspiration

Many of you may not know the entire story of how Destyni came into my life.  How, at five weeks pregnant, I went into early labour and had  many nurses look at me with those sad filled eyes. I was wheeled into the X-ray department and was ready for the ultrasound technician to tell me the news. This was on Tuesday evening. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday evening, 24 hours before spending that night in Emergency.

The ultrasound technician had a pensive look on her face, she looked me right in the eyes and told me that she didn't want to get my hopes up. She called in the Radiologist.

He didn't look hopeful but told me I was still pregnant. My baby was holding on, but to what and for how long was unknown.

A few more weeks passed and I went into labour again. At this time I was getting attached to this wee little one growing inside of me. With fingernails chewed down to the quick I awaited those terrible words. Again I was sent home to relax and put my feet up. Only time would tell.

More weeks passed, I was fully attached to my baby. Nothing in this world was going to take her away from me. Labour pains started, my heart beat was erratic. Tests, words of strength. A doctor who should have kept his thoughts within his own mind.

"If you actually have this baby it will be a miracle."

I have never considered myself an overly lucky person. I don't mind working for what I have but my body is just a vessel I couldn't control. I was a little young and naive to have so much faith in my love alone to  keep this baby safe. Was I ready to perform a miracle? Is there ever a proper time to do such a thing?

By week thirty eight I had thirteen threatened miscarriages, five ultra sounds and a belly bursting with the biggest miracle I was ever able to put my hands around.

A few days later my  first born came into the world. Defying all odds. She's a fighter, she's my miracle.

Today at nine years old she is still that strong willed child. She's more quiet then I would assume a fighter would be. Destyni has a unique way of finding what she wants. Like the thirteen times she was almost taken away from my body, she weathers the storm. Destyni watches what goes on around her, listens to what is being said and then finds her very own path to find what she is looking for.

How could she not be my inspiration? If a child can be so wise to know how to swiftly avoid the obstacles in front of her then I think I could learn from that. 

This child--she's going to move mountains!!!!

This was a writing prompt from Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writing Workshop.

This Week's Prompts:

1.) Describe a memorable first date.

2.) Write about a child you find inspiring.
3.) What do you find most challenging about blogging?
4.) Name a pet peeve you have about how other parents raise their kids. Go on…stir the pot.
5.) We often spend time and energy talking about people in our lives we don’t see enough of. Describe a person in your life you are in contact with often. What does he/she mean to you?
Bonus Vlog Option!
6.) If you could thank your mom for anything, what would it be? Create a video thanking her for something.

JERKS JERKS JERKS!!!!

Okay so this is how it goes. Every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday my alarm goes off at precisely 5:01am. I like to set my alarm on an uneven number, I have no idea why.

I get out of bed in a haze, stretch while getting dressed and then out the door into the crisp morning. Aren't I making it sound like such a wonderful experience??

 I won't mention how for the first five minutes after the alarm goes off I mentally and physically convince myself that getting up before the sun is the grandest of ideas. Or how, when I am brushing my teeth, I am thinking of some contorted way of placing my body on the vanity so that I can catch just three more minutes of sleep.  

Nope---it's amazing getting up at that time. No effort!

Usually I don't pass anybody on the road. Some mornings I change it up and take a completely different route. I read somewhere that there are freaks that will watch your running routes and stalk you.

Why do I think I am stalk worthy? I don't....I am pretty convinced that I would talk the ear off anyone who would even think of stealing me and they would  probably throw me right back where they found me--five minutes flat! I change it up because I'm badass.

Today I totally changed my direction....and I passed four people!! FOUR PEOPLE! It was the equivalent of Walmart at Christmas, although the people I passed were dressed better. Okay I lie...I have no idea if they were dressed better or not. It takes until I get up, run, shower, get dressed, grab my keys, drive to the nearest McDonald's drive-thru, order an iced coffee, and guzzle it down before I can even begin to properly judge how someone is dressed.

That being said, FOUR PEOPLE!!!  If you are outside at that time in the morning I assume you are either die hard exercise gurus or are being forced out of the house. If by chance I do happen to meet anyone on the road I either nod, smile or make some acknowledgement that I see them. A very friendly, "That's right, we're kicking some early morning ass."

The four jerks on the street wouldn't even smile!! Hello it's friggen 5:15AM!! Would it hurt you to smile just a little???!!

I passed by a couple running. I was on the other side of the road and when I was close enough I smiled and nodded. I would almost bet money (although not a lot, I save for iced coffees) that the guy started talking about me. I can't verify this for sure because I was listening to my IPOD but he basically looked at me, scoffed, turned his head towards his partner and started talking. Umm...I can still see you... JACKASS!

It's not like if either of them would of smiled I would have gone over and started up a conversation.

I am not up at the crack of dawn to talk to people...I am up for one reason and one reason only!! I want my ass to look smokin hot in yoga pants.

Either of them could have been nice and smiled or nodded. Did they think I was going to want to start running with them. I was running South,  they were running North, you have to be pretty damn special if you want me to change my direction and start over...umm no thanks!

I wasn't going to get in the middle of them, grab their hands and demand them to start singing the Barney theme song!!

I'm not out hunting best friend worthy people.

I was trying to be FRIENDLY!!

If I pass by this couple tomorrow I'll have to think of another plan. I could totally ignore them, but I don't like to be blatantly rude. I could nod again and be the bigger person...although I don't think that will make much of a difference...

Obviously I have to resort to kindergarten rules...I may run on their side of the road tomorrow...and I may accidentally stick my foot out while I nod and smile...

JERKS!!!!

Sweet Sixteen

Dear Naive,

There is so much that you should know before you enter adult hood so I will try and give you sound advice to help you become an enriched secure adult.

The most important advice I can give you is CONFIDENCE! Grasp it, live it, inhale it, use it as much and as often as you can. Hold your head high, your shoulders back and believe in the deepest of your heart that you are an amazing person. Tell yourself this daily because you are responsible for making yourself find the beauty within.

Your friends. They will come and go and at the age of sixteen you will start to realize that true friends will start showing their colors. There will be friends that will stand beside you when you need them to and there will be friends who will have better things to do with their time. Don't be too quick to discount the ones who have better things to do without first understanding what they are doing. Remember, they too are finding their own path in this slippery mountain of life.

Listen to what others say. Really listen. Don't just hear something you want to comment on and patiently wait for that person to stop speaking. Open your ears and more importantly, your mind. Not every conversation needs a comment.

That job you are working at, the one where your boss is a complete bitch? There are two ways to handle this. First way, call her out on treating your poorly. This job will not be where you work for the rest of your life, your most important job is coming to you, just a mere four years ahead.
Secondly, find another job where you are respected. Don't forget that you deserve to be treated properly.

Don't be too quick to fall in love. Your soul mate is coming for you, be patient it will happen. That guy that you just recently met from work, keep it light and fun. As soon as trouble starts brewing, and it will,  drop him like a bad habit. It's not worth the effort to keep him in your life.

Your passion for music will grow, start playing your violin again, you gave it up without a fight.  You are a fighter, you have French blood coursing through your veins, your heritage has been fighting for what they have wanted for years, why aren't you? You were born strong and stubborn, start showing it!

For a few months you have listened to people tell you that Dad's death will get easier. I am not the bearer of bad news but it doesn't really get better. You will feel more numb, you will think you understand death better, but there are days when you are going to find yourself flat on your ass wondering how you ended up right back at the beginning of the pain. It's hills and valleys, please remind yourself that someone out there has a bigger plan. Remember the good times and be thankful for all the time we were able to spend with him.

Drama, the worst dose of medicine you will ever swallow. You weren't meant to be tied down at this age, by anybody. Grab every ounce of living you can. Go dancing with friends, go speeding down the highway listening to music that's blaring decibels too loud. Skip when you walk if you feel the need. Sing as loud as your lungs will allow you. Drink up any information that your teachers are willing to teach you. Study more. Do your homework. Listen to wise elderly people. Don't ever settle for second best! Laugh every single day.

Most importantly, be content. That life that you have been day dreaming about since you were old enough to know what you wanted...it's yours. It's all within your grasp. Don't wish away these moments though, you'll want to relive them as age dulls the edges.

Love,

Me
xxoo

*** For this week’s Flicker of Inspiration prompt for The Lightning and the Lightning-Bug, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves at sixteen.***

Life is Given

Dull green walls.
Dull green eyes look up from her knees.

"One more push, you can do this."

She grasps the bed rail, her fingers slipping from the sweat. The pain intense, arises from within her like a beast vehement to get out. She pushes, the pain searing through her insides like hot fire. She falls back on the bed.  Exhaustion takes over. She has nothing left to give.

The pain comes again, she tries to recoil against it. Her body is not her own. It's a machine doing what has to be done. Once more, just once more she will push, then she will give up.

"You did it."

Exhaustion steps aside, will come back later when the night has fallen.

A warm bundle is placed in her arms, she looks down into black eyes. Feels the weight of life upon her arms and in her soul.

The pain is a dull ache. She feels weak, she feels hollow. She looks around wildly, her mouth dry. A doctor makes eye contact, looks at the floor under her feet that are still limply lying in the stirrups. His eyes widen. The warm bundle is scooped out of her arms. She tries to reach out, a cold hand takes hers and places it on the bed beside her. Pats it twice.

She feels weak, feels tired.  Words float around her.

"Blood loss."
"Pressure dropping."
"Transfusion."

Her arms ache from want where her baby cuddled.

Her mind is foggy, her eyes too heavy to keep open. She feels hands on her shoulders, shaking her. Repeating her name. She remembers looking into those black eyes.

Contentment washes over her. She smiles, takes a soft breath. Her last.

This prompt was from Red Writing Hood.

Flash Fiction can be fun and a real challenge. This week focus on the words and the strength of each to contribute to your story. Write a 300 word piece using the following word for inspiration: LIFE.

Mama Bear meets Souless Strangers!!!

Being a mother is amazing. It's easy, it's fun, it's beautiful most every single day. It's the parenting that's hard. It's difficult, it's challenging, it's exhausting at best. Thankfully there are so many strangers that will give you unsolicited advice, because OBVIOUSLY their children are perfect. This is to you strangers, who are the perfect parents.

1. Mind your own concerns.

2.  Unless you live with me 24/7 there is NO way that you can possibly know my children better than I.

3. Or the strangers who have "been there." I hear comments on how sweet and beautiful Destyni is and then they always find it in their best interest to include the standard comment-- have fun when she is a teenager.

 I do plan on having fun when she is a teenager. I am going to give her my vehicle whenever she wants it. I am going to fill it full of gas and teach her how to use the four wheel drive. I am going to make sure that she knows I will buy liquor for her and for all of her friends. I will not only willingly lie to her friends parents about how my husband and I will be chaperoning her party. I am going to suggest to Destyni that she should in fact give me her friends numbers to save time and just call the parents myself.

4. Alyson was my only roly poly baby. I LOVED when someone I had never met before use to comment on that. Especially when they would say she was "fat." In our house using the "F" word is completely forbidden unless talking about the part of meat you don't have to eat.

Standard answer to all you small minded people!!!

"Yes, my daughter is very healthy. Don't you think it's so much better than having a tiny baby who looks like they were never fed. I am proud of myself for remembering to feed her every meal. Go me!!!"

5. Yes my child is having a meltdown. Yes I am handling it and yes this is NORMAL!!!!

6. All of our children have the same color brown hair except for Alyson. This beauty has a head full of rusty red hair. While waiting in line at the grocery store this women comments on the brown hair from our other children and how Alyson's hair is so red.

Lady: "Wow your little one has red hair, she must get it from your husband." She must have already scoped out my left hand for my wedding band.

"Not that I know of."

Then I walk away.

7. Going for a walk outside I pass a lady who apparently lives on my street. She looks at my children (the three of them) and states out of the blue.
"Wow, these are all yours?"

"Oh yes they are all mine so are the other six inside my home. Well they are kind of mine. It's complicated. You see my husband has four wives, I am number 3 and together we have a bunch of children. Please don't tell anyone, it's illegal in Canada you know."

8.While at the pool the other day a little fella was splashing Jonathan. His mother went up to Jonathan and gave him permission to splash her little guy back. So I think a thanks is in order.
Thank you crazy women who just threw out my four years of teaching Jonathan to try and be the better person by walking away from a situation. Hats off to you!

9. Destyni was fussing at a party one evening as a lady scornfully told me that she fostered over 50 children and none of them had ever used a soother. She of course said it loud enough so that everyone could hear.

"Really, fifty children. Wow that is a lot of children, you must have lacked tons of sleep. Maybe that's why you are a cranky wench in your old age. Probably should have used the soother, helps my daughter sleep three hours longer."

10. One that I could probably use weekly.
"I promise that as soon as I find my parenting manual I will raise my children the exact way that you have raised yours."

Truthfully, aren't we all just trying to raise perfect children.






**This post was prompted by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writing Workshop.
    The Prompts:

1.) List 10 things you wish you could say to strangers who share unsolicited advice about your parenting skills.
2.) Write a poem inspired by a picture you took last week. Share both!
3.) Create a bucket list of 50 things you want to do this summer (with or without the kids!)
4.) A country you would like to visit.
5.) What is something you could stand to learn from your significant other?
6.) Getting kids dressed? Cooking dinner? Bed time? Create a video that describes the most difficult part of the day for you

Sleepover!!!!

I find it amazing how children find joy in the smallest of things. Destyni and Jonathan don't "share" a room. Destyni has a beautiful room, with two windows that let in a wealth of natural light. She has a huge closet, a queen bed and more books than you could read in a year. The problem with this room is that it has a crib in it, and in that crib sleeps a monster. The cutest little monster that you have ever laid eyes on but a monster none the less.

This monster has a habit of waking two to three times a night. This poses as a problem for Destyni who has to get up for school. 

 A few months after we moved into this house Jonathan begged Destyni to have a sleepover in his room. Destyni jumped on the idea, a night without being woken up!!! It was such a hit. Jonathan was able to have a friend over for the night and Destyni had someone who didn't wake up three times for a feeding. This sleepover business started happening more and more often. Scott and I talked this over and we think that Jonathan and Destyni lean on each other. We have moved a lot in the last four years and we believe that they  use each other as support.

The other night as I was tucking them into bed I suggested that I have a sleepover with them one day soon.  I told them we could put both of their mattresses on the floor, bring the the laptop up to watch a movie, pop some popcorn and have a party night.

I was quite shocked by their reaction. I assumed they would be happy but...

Both Desytni and Jonathan were thrilled to bits! They were bouncing on their beds, they were squealing and laughing. I don't know if I would have had a different reaction if I had told them we would be going to Disney, and all just for a sleepover.

Sometimes it's just about the small things!!

Happy Father's Day!

Having children with you is a gift. Watching you raise our children is heart-stirring.  Happy Father's Day, Scott. We love you with our entire hearts!!!

Happiness...At The Bottom of a Mop Bucket?

The other night after a long week, I felt I needed a break. When Scott came home from work I had an unusual request for him. I asked that he take all three children to the grocery store with him to do the shopping. I gathered up the kids, made sure sandals and hats were on and sent them out the door with Dad.

Ahhh...my time. This was the second time since moving here (6 months ago)  that I had the house to myself. It doesn't happen often so I was going to make the most of it. What's the first thing I did. Well burnt a CD of course!!! Slipped it into the CD player, turned it up to "almost going to upset the neighbors" and off I went. Grabbed my mop bucket, some dusting rags, my purple polka dotted gloves and my most most favourite cleaner, I was set.

via

I wiped down counter tops, dusted shelves, and scrubbed floors. I cleaned both bathrooms, polished windows and picked up toys.  I made this house sparkle!! I was happy and content. When I walked around the place I felt like I had accomplished something.

Does this sound as pathetic as I think it does?

It's almost a guarantee that the neighbor will stop in to chat or a friend will drop in unexpectedly the day I have been up three or four times before 7:00am.  The day that the breakfast dishes and the dinner dishes from the night before are stacked a foot high on my counter top. The day that I have four loads of laundry all over the dining table, the sofa, love seat..and of course the floor. On the day I have decided to wait to jump in for a shower until Alyson goes down for her nap

Is this what it has come to? Since I stay at home to raise my children I think that my house needs to be spotless ALL the time. I think it's the only way that the other moms will think I am successfully doing what I am expected to do.

What about the time spent quizzing Destyni for her math test during breakfast, what about playing cars with Jonathan on the floor, as we race his cars over the piles of laundry. What about getting on my hands and knees and chasing Alyson  under the table. Why am I always so worried about what others think?

Why do I feel as if I have something accomplished when my house is clean? Why is this even a concern of mine? Why am I finding happiness in the bottom of a mop bucket?

Embracing

Is it crazy to believe that our bodies were solely made to hold, love and protect each other??

Running Away

The air was crisp. I felt it the second I stepped out the door. The ground was wet. The sound of thunder and the flashes of lightening had awoke me several times during the night. That and our poor sweet pooch can't sleep when it's storming out. He just whines and whines until you pet him and reassure him that everything will be just fine.

Cute or what????

I take in the beautiful morning catching a hint of sunlight in the corner of my right eye. I turn left. Give myself the usual pep talk..."You can do this, you WILL do this." I stretch my arms, flex my leg muscles, deep breath and I'm off.

I can hear the sound of my sneakers slapping the wet sidewalk over the music that's playing softly in my ears. I turn the corner. I am relaxed, I feel good, I feel strong and powerful. I am silently singing with the music, the violinist in me needs to move my fingers to the strumming of any bass guitar sound that fills my head. My legs tire, I slow down. I feel energized again, I pick up a little speed. My feet are eating up the kilometers (I'm Canadian, eh).

I keep going, hearing the birds singing, passing no one. I turn the corner. It's the homestretch. I feel revived. I see my home in sight. I am now facing the sun, brilliant orange lights up the sky. I run up the driveway, let myself in the house. I feel incredible. I am on a high!! The thought of jumping into a cool shower makes me kick off my sneakers a little more quickly.
I stretch and glance at the clock--- 5:28......AM.

How did you kick off your Tuesday?

My Promise

Dearest Jonathan,

Never in my life have I wanted time to slow down. The radio keeps blaring 103 days of summer promotions and the only thoughts that go through my mind are...only 103 days. I can feel my heart beginning to break.

One Sunday morning, October 15th, 2006 I sat beside you in our family sedan. Your Grammie was in the passenger seat and your Daddy was driving. You were new..brand new. Not even 60 hours old. We were taking you home from the hospital. Your father reached for the cell phone to call some friends to tell them about your arrival. He was so excited about having a new baby he almost didn't know what to do with himself. When he went to dial the number I asked him to wait until we arrived home before he called anyone. I only wanted him to concentrate on driving, we were carrying such precious cargo. He looked at me in the rear view mirror and I saw in his eyes the same feeling that I carried upon my soul. We solemnly swore we would always take care and protect you from all the evils of the world. So my heart is breaking.

Since the day we took you home from the hospital I have stayed at home to raise you and Destyni. I worked, but only from home. The longest that you have been away from me is less than two full days. In September you start school. You leave me and I don't know what to do. When I think of Autumn I get this feeling of great sadness mixed with great happiness. You are taking your first stepping stone into the journey that will belong to you and the legacy of your life. I will let go but not easily.

I want to go to your school and meet your teacher. I want to tell her/him how special you are. That you play hard like a boy but within your ribs lies a golden heart brimming with sweet emotion. I want to tell your teacher that if anyone is mean to you I have to know right away, I want a phone call, I want details, I want to know how you responded. I want to give your teacher my cell phone with strict instructions that as soon as you look like you need a hug to call me and I will be there in moments.

I don't know how I am going to go shopping and buy you a pair of indoor sneakers and never know how you scuffed them up. I don't know how to pack your lunch knowing that you won't be sitting at the table eating it with me and telling me everything you want to do in the afternoon. I don't know how to put your backpack on your tiny shoulders and walk with you to school. I don't know how my arms are going to let go and let you walk through those double doors, into a world so foreign to the one you are used to.

I know that you are ready for school. You have been ready for a few weeks now. By the end of the summer you will be so ready that you may not sleep the night before school. Neither will I sweet Jonathan.

I hope that the sun takes just a few more minutes rising and the moon decides to look down upon Earth for a few more moments each night, because I only have 103 days.

These Summer Days...

What's not to love about summer? I love the weather, I love that we can do so many outdoor activities. I love being able to open the windows and let the fresh air blow in!! It's my favorite time of year! Although I do enjoy Fall, I think summer makes me most happiest.

Destyni's school was involved in some province wide testing so to make if fun for the kids the school had some activities going on during the day. One day it was crazy hair day.  I dyed her hair using some red Kool-Aid then put her hair at the very top of her head and sort of curled it using my straightener.

It's evident that with her natural beauty it's going to take more effort to make it look crazy. I dread sleepless nights when she's a teenager...sigh....

Summer also means playing for hours at the park. There are a ton of little parks all over the Base we live on. This one is a favourite.

We played until I was sure we had at least half a pound of sand in our shoes and in our clothes.

Another upside of spending hours at a park means that the kiddo's sleep like logs. Okay, Destyni and Jonathan do, Alyson still likes to spend some quality time with me at least twice through the night. Although waking up to the beautiful sunshine certainly makes the night time wake up calls easier to handle!!!! 

What fun activities do you do during these warm months?