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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dear Destyni...

Dear Destyni,
Today I watched you turn nine years old. I watched as you came tiptoeing into our bedroom with the innocence of a child and giggle when Daddy announced that we had the birthday girl coming into our room. I watched as you came over to the bed and I wrapped my arms around you never wanting to let go because letting go means just that. I saw you climb into our bed and snuggle up to Alyson, being that amazing big sister that you are. I watched as you went down the stairs, into the living room and waited for all of your birthday wishes to be bestowed upon you.
I looked into your deep brown eyes and wondered how I ever lived my life without you in it. I don't ever remember feeling love the way I felt when I first held you in my arms. I don't ever remember feeling pain until I heard you crying when you were sick or hurt and worry was not even a word I should have been allowed to use until I had you.
Destyni I don't know if you will ever understand how much you changed my life, changed who I was. You made me into a person that I love. My firstborn, my Princess Buttercup--Happy Birthday!!


On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered,
"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...
ever in the world.


Love,
Mommy
xxoo


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Monday

Mondays are hard. Getting back into the swing of things. This Monday was so different, thanks to Destyni, Jonathan, Alyson and Scott. You guys couldn't have made this Monday more special!!

I was a little worried about Jonathan when we found out we were pregnant with Alyson. We didn't know how he would react to having a new sister and not being the baby anymore. I don't think Alyson could have asked for a more loving big brother. Jonathan came up on the couch sat beside Alyson, took her hand and start singing to her.




As I was cooking dinner Scott was helping Destyni with her homework. Seeing him sitting at the kitchen table with both of his girls made my heart flutter.


During supper we always listen to music and most nights we are graced with some singing and the occasional dancing from Destyni and Jonathan. There was something in the air tonight that made the kids rock out with no boundries.




And my handsome husband, there to pour me a glass of wine and to offer some chocolates, maybe a must have for Monday's.


Then maybe one of the sweetest things of the evening, seeing those beautiful children sleeping. Alyson fell asleep on the couch tonight so I was able to capture it.



So thank you to my amazing family!! I love you all so much!!
xxoo

Monday, November 22, 2010

So Long Negativity...Please See Yourself to the Door

"I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be."

Do you ever wish you could sit in a movie theatre and see your life from past to present? See how much you have grown as a person, who you were to who you are now. There is much debate on whether people can change or not. I don't think this should even be a debate. At nineteen years old my concerns were about a part time job, college, clothes and my social life. A few months later I was graced with the news of my first pregnancy. Nine years later my concerns are my children's health and happiness, taking them to activities, planning appointments, immunizations and meals, laundry and cleaning. The person I am today probably wouldn't even recognize the person I was nine years ago. So I definitely believe people can change and I believe they do, all the time.

My 30th birthday is approaching, quite quickly. This is not something that I fear or dread. I try not to ever waste time on things that are inevitable and age is one of them. I don't look at what I haven't done yet but look back at all I have done in thirty years. How could I have one regret when I look at my children playing together, or walk around my house and glance at all the pictures at my laughing smiling family. The thing that fills my life is love and warmth, that's what I have thirty years later. But it's taken me a long time to fully realize this.

There are still things that I want to change about myself. I have promised myself that I would take time out of each day to remember how thankful I should be for all I have in my life. I have told myself that if I am taken up room in my life with negativity then the obvious reaction to that would be kicking out positivity, and that's hard to swallow. So negativity I am afraid I have no room in my life for you. You and I have been partners in crime for some time and we have even held together through some rough times but I am through with you. Please see yourself to the door.

So it is taking me a long time to become the person I want to be and not without making some mistakes along the way. But each day I am getting closer and closer and that's fine with me. I am going to enjoy this journey and look back in another thirty years and be that much more thankful for what I have.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Christmas In The Air

This has to be one of the most exciting times of year. It gets dark so much earlier now, and some years that use to bother me but this year I decided to take it all in. The earlier it gets darker the faster you can enjoy all the Christmas lights shining from the houses.

This year Christmas seems to have gone through the roof here at home. I don't know if it's because Jonathan understands what's going on. We have explained a thousand times that it's not about the presents, it's the giving not receiving. I am kind of under the assumption that he thinks "giving" us a Christmas lists qualifies for the giving bit of Christmas. But he's a four year old child. As long as we have told him the true meaning of Christmas I think we have done our part. Then we let the excitement roll off of him in waves.
Or maybe it's because my parents have dropped off a sled of gifts before we moved so they wouldn't have to mail them to us. There is this huge pile of gifts sitting in one corner of our living room just waiting to be opened. Mom, if you read this I haven't yet peeked....but I make no promises.


Jonathan has been looking through the catalogues that have been sent our way asking for anything and everything. He thinks every toy is a game and keeps asking, "Can I play that game?" I am not sure what his reaction will be on Christmas morning when he realizes that there was not enough room on Santa's sleigh (Or Mommy and Daddy's bank account) to get everything. And Destyni has circled everything in the catalogues with the initials of which child wants what. One Saturday I peeked into my all to quiet living room to see Desytni and Jonathan, heads bowed together circling everything that they wanted. When I went through the book later I saw some toys that had Alyson's name on them. Makes your heart flutter when you realize how thoughtful your children really are.

Although the best gift we will give our children this year will be to fly Scott's mom up for Christmas. The ticket has been bought and plans are being put into place. I love having my mother in law for Christmas. I know, sounds totally off the mark but it's true. I love the relationship that I have with her. She is someone who I share things with, someone who I laugh with and she is the first person I call when I need any advice about my children. I believe I have grown as a mother because of her. And then of course there is the relationship that she has with my children. She is the type of grandmother to sit at a table with her grandchildren for six straight hours trying to remove a dinosaur from a hunk of earth (Alex went through a paleontologist stage) or putting together a complete circular puzzle. There is something to say about grandparents, they can totally relate to the amount of love you have for your children because they carry so much of what you cherish.

To say that we are excited about this Christmas is an understatement. And when we woke up this morning the ground had a layer of beautiful sparkling snow. Being surrounded by love is the true meaning of Christmas in our home!!


Monday, November 15, 2010

Missing You...

I am sitting on the couch, it's Monday evening. It's my downtime so I am checking out my Facebook and email accounts. I open up my hotmail account and notice an email from my older sister, the subject says "Pictures". Immediately I think that my sister has sent me some new pictures of my two handsome nephews. I open up the email completely forgetting about the conversation that we had just a few days ago. And in seconds I feel as if I have been sucked from my living room couch, sucked from my adulthood and thrown back into my childhood at lightening speed. There in front of me is a picture of my Dad, a picture taken around 1986, it's not the best picture but I would take any picture. And there it was, insulting my previous oblivious state and pinching my heart in an earth shattering way.



I lost my father at fifteen. It was unfair, it hurt, it was lonely and it sucked. Some days the emotions are  raw and hurt just like they did fourteen years ago and sometimes they are numb and feel far away. I know it sounds weird, how can emotions feel far away but that's how they feel-- untouchable so they hurt less.  I could write an entire blog on my father but I think saying that he was an amazing man is enough. Seeing pictures of him can still cause a little pain but they also remind me that I am a part of him, and that my children are a part of him and that makes the pain just a little more bearable. So I'll take flashbacks into my childhood to remember how lucky I was to have known such an amazing man and to be able to call that amazing man my father.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Our Best Friend, Our Hero, Our Daddy

"My Daddy is the best boy I ever knew" exclaims Jonathan while sitting on the couch snuggling with me and looking over at Scott with pure adoration. I glance over at Scott with tears welling in my eyes. I wish I could find those words that would make understanding how much our children love their Daddy easy to read. I can't find the right words, ones that are strong enough to fully grasp it.

Scott has to leave for work quite a bit in his profession. Recently he moved up to Borden, ON and the children and I stayed at home waiting to see if the Military would approve our family to move up. Scott was gone for six weeks, but he flew home for Thanksgiving. On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, Destyni, Jonathan, Alyson and I loaded up into the van to make the mini trip to the Halifax airport to pick Scott up. Arriving at the airport and waiting for Scott's flight I looked over at Destyni.
"Oh Des, I have butterflies, I feel as if I may get sick." And she comes back with, "Me too, Mom."
In Destyni's world  Scott is her hero. They can sit in a room together and not say a word to each other. There have been so many times when I have walked by our living room and peeked in to see Destyni snuggling in with her Daddy. On Sunday mornings if you were to drive around my neighborhood you would see Scott jogging and very shortly behind him you would see Destyni pumping her little legs on her bike to catch up. You would hear Scott telling her she can do it, keep going Sweetie.  If you keep watching you will see Destyni fly by Scott, laughing at him because he can't keep up with her and you will see him trying his hardest to keep up. To watch them it's like they have this secret society, only members ....Destyni and Scott. I love watching their bond grow stronger but I have no idea how Destyni is ever going to get out the door on a date, or move away from home for school or how Scott will ever give her permission to grow up.


And as Jonathan's statement reads, his Daddy is his best friend. When Scott goes outside to do yard work you would never see him out there alone. Jonathan is there helping, chatting Scott's ear off or he'll sing for Scott. Jonathan walks around the house carrying Scott's tools and tries to keep up with the house maintenance. And it's official that the passenger seat in Scott's truck belongs to Jonathan. There is nowhere Jonathan would rather be than sitting in that truck driving around. There were so many times when Jonathan was a baby that he would be perched on Scott's knee, at the computer, the couch or the dinner table. Or how many times I would climb the stairs to see what Scott was up to and the two of them would be snuggled in our bed together sleeping away a Sunday afternoon.  As Jonathan gets older he reminds me more and more of Scott. His actions and behaviors resemble so much of what Scott is. It's beautiful to watch a son look up to his father the way that Jonathan does.




Even Alyson, as young as she is will smile every time Scott walks into the room. We were a little worried that Alyson may not have that special bond with Scott because he left when she was under two months old and was gone for quite a few weeks. Nova Scotia has an amazing birth plan in order for expecting moms. When you go into the hospital you fill out a huge list of questions and one them asks if you want to do skin to skin when baby is born. We said we wanted to and if there were any complications would we want the father to do the skin to skin. So after an emergency section our sweet youngest was sent off with her Daddy for some skin to skin. Their bond is so strong, when Scott came back from being away Alyson took to him like there was no time missed.


Life gets busy with work and chores, responsibilities and agendas. But somehow during it all Scott has never made his children feel as if he doesn't have time for them. And I get to watch it all unfold around me.

My Heart.....For You

We have four children, ages all over the grid. Our love for them is undeniable. I live for the moments when my heart feels as if it may burst at any moment. Below would be some of the reasons why:

~Destyni distracting Alyson by making up a fifteen minute long story until we can get to a rest stop
~Jonathan looking over at Alyson and singing "Just The Way You Are" to her..."Girl, you're amazing, just the way you are"
~Alex running in from outside holding Destyni's hand telling her she has to stay inside because there are boys out there that may hurt her
~Destyni reading a bedtime book to Jonathan
~Jonathan telling me that Scott is "the best boy I ever knew"
~Alyson smiling when either Destyni or Jonathan come into the room
~As I am walking out of my bedroom getting ready to go and pick up Scott at the airport, Jonathan looks over at me, "Mom you look like a princess"
~Going in to pick up Alyson from her crib and she laughs out loud
~Destyni grabbing my hand when we are walking up to  her school on the first day
~Alex showing Jonathan how to race dinky's
~Jonathan asking Destyni for a sleepover
~Saturday mornings when we grab all the kids and take them into bed with us
~Good night hugs and kisses
~Anytime snuggles