I am sitting on the couch, it's Monday evening. It's my downtime so I am checking out my Facebook and email accounts. I open up my hotmail account and notice an email from my older sister, the subject says "Pictures". Immediately I think that my sister has sent me some new pictures of my two handsome nephews. I open up the email completely forgetting about the conversation that we had just a few days ago. And in seconds I feel as if I have been sucked from my living room couch, sucked from my adulthood and thrown back into my childhood at lightening speed. There in front of me is a picture of my Dad, a picture taken around 1986, it's not the best picture but I would take any picture. And there it was, insulting my previous oblivious state and pinching my heart in an earth shattering way.
I lost my father at fifteen. It was unfair, it hurt, it was lonely and it sucked. Some days the emotions are raw and hurt just like they did fourteen years ago and sometimes they are numb and feel far away. I know it sounds weird, how can emotions feel far away but that's how they feel-- untouchable so they hurt less. I could write an entire blog on my father but I think saying that he was an amazing man is enough. Seeing pictures of him can still cause a little pain but they also remind me that I am a part of him, and that my children are a part of him and that makes the pain just a little more bearable. So I'll take flashbacks into my childhood to remember how lucky I was to have known such an amazing man and to be able to call that amazing man my father.