Christmas Shopping and Tears

Sometimes it’s so obvious that I know that feeling as soon as I see a memory or her face. Her eyes with their deep intent, or how her hair sways when she walks quickly down the hall. And sometimes I am just going about my day and it hits me with such a force that I feel myself reaching where my heart is and trying to dull the emotional turmoil that awakens just beneath.

 I was out Christmas shopping the other day, the only thing that Destyni asked for this year is clothes, she wants to look in her closet and be able to see beautiful, soft fabrics all around her and pick out her “today” outfit. So, off I went to one of her most favourite clothing shops.

Then it began.

I chose some generic clothing, a regular long sleeve shirt, a pair of pants. I kept walking deeper and deeper into the store and on a rack was an absolutely beautiful dress. And in an instant I seen my baby, who just turned 14 wearing that dress. In my mind’s eye I could see her twirling, laughing, her head thrown back, her beautiful brown eyes glittering with happiness, and I reached for my chest.

I don’t know what causes the wakefulness, I don’t know if it’s the clothes, the time of year, her birthday or what my soul knows is just below the surface- the feeling of letting go.

And I’m not really good at it. On the outside I try and hold it together, but there is always an escape tear, a hug that I make last longer than just a few moments, or my tip toes that lead me into her room late at night, making sure that she’s still my child.

I told Destyni a few years ago that when she grows taller than me, I will ground her from leaving our home for two whole weeks. I like to remind her of this a few times a month. And we laugh and she always wraps her arms around me and says, “Oh, Mommy.” But if I could keep her for two weeks without leaving I would. And I would let her know that I need those two weeks because once I am looking up to her I can’t hide the tears that slowly fall down my cheeks, so I need time to adjust.

On the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder

That the stars peeked in to see you

And the night wind whispered, “Life will never be the same. “

Because there had never been anyone like you…

Ever in the world.