On Saturday, April 16th it will be the day that I will have lived longer than knowing my dad. He passed away fifteen years ago. I kind of feel stuck, not wanting to cross that threshold. Staying right here, at this date, just so that I won't have to know that feeling. The missing him, the wanting him in my life. As time goes on there is so much that I want to tell him, that I want to show him. I can't believe how much I want him in my life right now.
I want Dad to know Scott. I want to be able to come into my living room and see the two of them cheering on the Canadians, sharing beer and talking about life. I want him to know that Scott keeps me safe, protected and makes me laugh every single day.
I want him to know Destyni -to sit with her and explain hockey to her, play soccer outside with her and have running races. And she would never ever win, and it would be fine. I want her to go to the farm and see a baby calf being born.
I want him to meet Alex. To be able to see how amazing having a step-child is. I want him to listen to Alex's stories and get caught up in the excitement like we all do when he talks. I want my Dad to teach Alex about farming and take him to the fields and explain how crops grow.
I want him to feed off Jonathan's energy. I want to see Jonathan walking hand in hand with his grandfather, looking up to him and knowing that at that single moment every thing in the world is as it should be. I want Jonathan to learn all my Dad knew about fixing cars.
I want Alyson to be the one who instills my father into younger years. I want Dad to have to chase her around and be utterly exhausted when we leave from visiting. I want Alyson to learn what history is and how important it is to know where you come from. I want my Dad to teach her that.
I know these things aren't going to happen, I know that everything is suppose to happen for a reason. But sometimes the memories feel like they are fading, the sharpness of an event seems duller. And sometimes its just sad.
There hasn't been one day in fifteen years that you haven't crossed my mind. That my heart doesn't yearn to hear your voice, my arms don't ache to hug you and my soul doesn't know that there is a piece missing.
I love you Dad...Until we meet again....xoxo.